r/FloridaMan

Eartha Quake Just Performed at My Friend's Bar and I Think the Building Needs an Inspection

Posted by u/DefinitelyNotTheOwner

I went to a strip club in Tampa last night because my buddy said there was a new dancer performing under the name Eartha Quake.

I assumed that was just a stage name.

It wasn't.

Eartha is an absolutely enormous woman with the confidence of someone who has never once questioned whether a chair was rated for her.

She walked onto the stage wearing a sparkly outfit, grabbed the pole, looked directly at the crowd and said:

> “Boys, hold onto your drinks.”

Then the music started.

She climbed the pole.

The entire building made a noise.

Not a normal noise.

A “something structural just became optional” noise.

Everyone stopped talking.

The bartender slowly put his drink down.

The DJ looked at the ceiling.

One guy whispered:

> “Is this covered by insurance?”

Then Eartha started spinning.

The pole started spinning.

The stage started vibrating.

The EXIT sign started swinging.

At this point, nobody was watching Eartha anymore.

We were watching the building.

A guy near me pulled out his phone and opened the weather app.

Someone yelled:

> “WHY IS THERE A TREMOR WARNING?”

The DJ shouted:

> “THAT'S NOT A TREMOR!”

Eartha shouted back:

> “IT'S A FEATURE!”

Then she did a move where she leaned away from the pole.

The entire audience leaned the opposite direction.

Not because we wanted to.

Because physics apparently called a meeting.

A bottle fell off the bar.

Three people grabbed their drinks.

The bartender yelled:

> “SAVE THE LIQUOR!”

Priorities.

Then Eartha started doing a full spin around the pole.

The pole bent approximately three degrees.

The bartender screamed:

> “THAT POLE IS NOT LOAD-BEARING!”

Eartha yelled:

> “NEITHER AM I!”

The crowd lost its mind.

Then came the finale.

Eartha grabbed the pole with both hands, swung around it twice, and landed perfectly on her feet.

The crowd erupted.

She bowed.

The lights flickered.

A ceiling tile fell.

Someone in the back yelled:

> “ENCORE!”

The manager yelled:

> “ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.”

Five minutes later, the fire department arrived.

Apparently somebody across the street called 911 because they thought there had been an earthquake.

The firefighter walked inside, looked around, and asked:

> “What happened?”

The bartender pointed at Eartha.

Eartha waved.

The firefighter looked at the bent pole.

Then looked at the cracked ceiling tile.

Then looked back at Eartha.

> “You did this?”

Eartha smiled.

> “Technically, gravity did.”

The firefighter just nodded.

> “Fair enough.”

The manager eventually announced that Eartha was banned from using the main pole until they could reinforce the stage.

Eartha wasn't offended.

She simply asked:

> “What about the emergency pole?”

The manager stared at her.

> “There is no emergency pole.”

Eartha pointed toward a decorative support beam.

> “There is now.”

EDIT: The bar has apparently ordered a new reinforced pole.

EDIT 2: The manufacturer asked for Eartha's measurements.

EDIT 3: Eartha sent them a selfie.

EDIT 4: They sent back a quote for a bridge.

EDIT 5: Eartha has apparently been hired to perform at a demolition company.

Their promotional slogan:

### “SHE DOESN'T TEAR IT DOWN. SHE JUST HELPS.”