Florida Man Wins $1 Billion Powerball Jackpot and Somehow Becomes a Public Safety Issue
TAMPA, FLORIDA — Florida authorities confirmed Thursday that a local man who won a $1 billion Powerball jackpot has already spent approximately $87 million, caused three evacuations, purchased a private island, accidentally started a minor international incident, and been banned from one Walmart.
His name is Dale “Bubba” McGillicuddy, 47.
According to witnesses, Dale discovered he had won while sitting on a toilet at a Circle K.
He initially thought the ticket was fake.
Then he checked it again.
Then he checked it on his phone.
Then he called his cousin.
Then he yelled:
> “HOLY SHIT, I THINK I OWN THE MOON.”
He did not own the moon.
But that didn't stop him from trying.
THE FIRST 24 HOURS
Dale immediately purchased a $4.7 million mansion, despite already owning a perfectly functional double-wide approximately 200 feet away.
When asked why he needed two homes, Dale reportedly answered:
> “One's for living. The other one's for yelling at people.”
He then purchased:
14 jet skis
3 airboats
2 monster trucks
11 alligators
a helicopter
a restaurant
a strip mall
a retired NASCAR
an inflatable shark approximately the size of a school bus
and “a fuckin' sweet cannon”
Nobody knows what the cannon is for.
Dale says:
> “You'll know.”
THEN THINGS GOT WEIRD
At approximately 2:15 p.m., Dale drove his new monster truck through the drive-thru at a Taco Bell.
He ordered $3,400 worth of tacos.
When the cashier asked why, Dale replied:
> “I'm rich now. I don't know how rich people order.”
He then tipped the cashier a jet ski.
The cashier does not know how to operate a jet ski.
THE ALLIGATOR INCIDENT
Later that afternoon, Dale announced that every American should own an alligator.
To demonstrate, he brought one named Gary into a press conference.
Gary immediately climbed onto the podium.
Dale introduced him as:
> “My financial advisor.”
A reporter asked Gary whether Dale was making responsible investments.
Gary stared at the reporter.
Then ate the microphone.
The press conference ended.
DALE BUYS A TOWN
Three days later, Dale discovered that he could apparently purchase an abandoned town in rural Florida.
So he did.
He renamed it Bubba City.
The new town motto is:
“WE'RE PROBABLY FINE.”
Dale immediately passed several municipal laws, including:
Law #1: Every resident gets a free hot dog on Tuesdays.
Law #2: Nobody is allowed to complain about fireworks.
Law #3: Alligators have the right of way.
Law #4: If you see Dale driving toward you in a monster truck, move.
Law #5: Dale gets to make another law whenever he feels like it.
The county is currently reviewing whether Dale actually has the authority to do any of this.
Dale reportedly responded:
> “I bought the town. That's basically government.”
It is not.
THEN NASA GOT INVOLVED
The situation escalated when Dale spent $22 million attempting to build a rocket in his backyard.
His stated goal was:
> “I wanna go to space and see if aliens are cool.”
Engineers told him the rocket was unsafe.
Dale told them:
> “That's why I'm putting a parachute on it.”
The parachute was later discovered to be a patio umbrella.
The launch was canceled.
Dale was disappointed.
Gary the alligator was reportedly not.
THE $100 MILLION MISTAKE
Dale eventually hired a financial advisor.
The advisor lasted six hours.
He quit after Dale explained his retirement plan.
> “I'm gonna buy a volcano.”
The advisor asked why.
Dale answered:
> “Nobody fucks with the guy who owns a volcano.”
The advisor reportedly packed his belongings and left through a window.
THE FINAL INCIDENT
On Sunday morning, Dale woke up and discovered that his neighbor had accidentally parked in his driveway.
Dale called the sheriff.
Then the governor.
Then the Coast Guard.
Then his cousin.
Then he apparently called the President of the United States, although nobody has confirmed whether the call was actually answered.
Eventually Dale walked outside and said:
> “You know what? Fuck it.”
He bought the neighbor's house.
The neighbor moved.
Dale then bought the house next to it.
Then the house next to that one.
By Monday afternoon, Dale owned six houses on the block.
He connected all six backyards with a single enormous swimming pool.
The pool is now home to seven alligators, two flamingos, a kayak, a refrigerator, and what Dale insists is “probably a dolphin.”
It is not a dolphin.
It is a manatee.
Dale has named it Kevin.
TODAY
Dale's current net worth is unknown.
His accountant has stopped answering calls.
His financial advisor has moved to Canada.
His mother has taken away his credit card.
Dale has responded by buying a new credit card company.
When reporters asked him whether he regretted winning the lottery, Dale looked toward his enormous backyard, where an alligator was riding a jet ski while Kevin the manatee floated beside a flamingo-shaped pool float.
He smiled.
> “Regret it?”
Dale took a sip from a 32-ounce gas-station soda.
> “Hell no.”
He paused.
> “But I probably shouldn't have bought the submarine.”
The reporter asked why.
Dale looked directly into the camera.
> “The ocean has rules.”
He smiled.
> “I'm about to find out what they are.”
UPDATE: Dale has apparently purchased a submarine.
UPDATE #2: Dale does not know how to operate a submarine.
UPDATE #3: Dale has taken Gary the alligator with him.
UPDATE #4: The Coast Guard has officially asked Dale to stop.
UPDATE #5: Dale replied, “Come get me.”
UPDATE #6: Nobody knows where Dale is.
UPDATE #7: Kevin the manatee has been located.
UPDATE #8: Kevin appears to be fine.
UPDATE #9: Gary is still missing.
UPDATE #10: Dale just posted a photo from somewhere in the Caribbean.
Caption:
> “TOLD Y'ALL I'D FIGURE IT OUT.”
Florida officials have issued no further statements.
They are reportedly tired.